All these years later, Kenny is remembered for introducing the Octumvirate to the ancient martial arts style known as Shaquido. If that sounds made-up, it is. Most of the Octumvirate followed some professional football and basketball team to some degree and one of the big names at the time was the new guy playing for the Orlando Magic, Shaquille O'Neal. Besides his athletic prowess on the court, O’Neal jumped on the celebrity oversaturation bandwagon and released albums, appeared in movies, and approved his likeness for release in a video game. The game, the cringe-worthy Shaq-Fu, focused on O’Neal using his supposed martial arts abilities to ward off evil-doers from his dojo and protect the sensei. Or something like that, I dunno.
Anyway, Kenny found the whole notion of a Shaq-inspired video game ridiculous and arrived at dinner one night with Shaq-Fu trading cards. One of his video game magazines had a bigger-than-necessary promotion for the game and Kenny, eager to expose Shaq-Fu for its sheer lunacy, had punched out the cards as “gifts” for those of us who wanted to share the Shaq-Fu experience. The obverse had the official Shaq-Fu pose and logo, while the reverse explained the concept behind the game:
A dominating force on and off the basketball court, Shaq is the founder of Shaqido: an intense and extremely advanced form of martial arts. An enforcer of justice and champion for the weak and powerless, his blows rain down destruction on those who embody pure evil. Shaq is a short range specialist who relies on his agile moves rather than his magic. Shaq’s favorite closing move is the Shaq-uriken. Here he summons up a whirling blade which attacks evil with devastating force.
All these years later it still doesn’t sound believable.
I probably made Kenny happy when I jumped on the “Ridicule Shaq-Fu” campaign. Everyone had a good laugh at the cards, but I seemed to be the only one who took one of the cards back to my room. Why I hung it prominently above the door I don’t know. Nor do I know why I joined Morty, Michael Arthur, and Kenny for an evening of driving around town a number of weeks later. We’d been studying well into the night and now, hours after dinner, our stomachs craved a little something more. That night it meant we’d be hitting up Señor Taco, a sort of cheap, local spin on Taco Bell (they had this green sauce that was legit but not much else going for it). Seemingly high on ridiculing O’Neal, we pulled into the drive-thru. No sooner had we stopped did I ask the voice on the speaker box if they had Shaquidos.
Come on, it sounded like the sort of pseudo-Spanish names that Señor Taco gave their menu items, foodstuff such as Enriquichos or Grañdatas or the El Guaposita.
Kenny’s only other memorable claim to fame was showing up one day at dinner with what looked like a black magic marker that he had used to color his lower jaw. Most of us either stared inappropriately or tried to ignore the strange discoloration until either Alan or Michael explained Kenny was attempting to grow a beard. It was not an attractive addition to Kenny’s face and during that first week he’d try to nonchalantly bring it up into conversation or stroke it as if in deep thought while he sat on the sidelines listening. It was fairly thick in places which sparked theories of lycanthropy from Phil; this in turn prompted Alan to encourage his suitemate to drink more Coors and I suggested heavy doses of Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band.
The members of our Octumvirate went their separate ways after my freshmen year though a few of us saw each other over the next three years. Not so much with Kenny. His appearances were rarer and rarer as the school year went by and was a distant memory by the start of a sophomore year. No one knew where he came from and no one knew where he went.
And no one went off in search of him either. Him or that video game.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
No Hook
(Bailey, K./Method Man/Shaquille O'Neal/RZA)
Shaquille O'Neal
From the album Shaq-Fu: Da Return
1994
[RZA:]
Spectacular cardiovascular attacker!
Shaq's on the track with the blackular,
Puzzler! Rugged slugger, 40 oz guzzler,
Gold nugget fangs punch holes inside your jugular
Veins... do it quick, before your brain get drained...
With the horror you now have become stained...
Ice cold, like the winter, Eskimo! Enter,
The skill like a splinter! A decimal,
Let's have a festival, Wu-Tang Killer Bees, we...
(Suuuuuuu!) Ah, intellectual,
Styles break your mind!
Shine, nigga, shine!
[All:] We don't need no hooks!
[Shaq:]
The Shaq Attaq has risen,
Au concrete PM this is twizm,
Always & forever, forever always attack,
I bring flava to ya ear like Craig Mack!
Life's a B and then ya D, refer to Nasty Nas Illmatic,
CD, #3 Static!
You don't want none, ya best to keep lookin',
AEIOU's a ass-whoopin'! You're tooken
Into Clear & Present Danger, I'm a perfect stranger,
Quick to rearrange a... outlook, so look out,
So here me comes! Quick to beat you down,
Like the RZA on the drums!
Change my name like Prince, punks be tremblin'.
My name ain't Shaq no more, call me Superman
Emblem! Marks, get set, go left,
The Shaq, the RZA, get ready for the Meth!
[All:] We don't need no hooks!
[Method Man:]
Dangersome, comin' mad phat, Terrordome,
Like whadva ak, we can get it on. Break 'em down.
I'm a set it, yeah, ooh dat dirty rat, bring 'em here
To the mindbender, the deathsender to your ear: Method.
Whatup, hookers? Hoodrats are no goodaz,
It be Tical breakin' rims with the Seven footer:
Shaq. Bring it to the front, now bring it back
To the head, black, 'cuz when my Soul Train hit the track,
Target: the Billboard Charts, don't make me start it,
The whole industry is gassed up and now they farted.
My object is destruction, for percussion, rhymes are bustin',
Got your wholes block duckin'
Down! The end is here, apocalypse now!
Gettin' shot, peace'll work it out.
(more We don't need no hooks stuff)