You encounter people like Phil Hertz all the time at college, the guy who just shows up one day and who sticks around long enough to be considered one of the gang. To the best of my recollection, Phil joined our Octumvirate after meeting Leonard somewhere and then joining us for lunch.
Phil was the fifth to join our group after the two sets of roommates (Morty and myself and Stan and Leonard). Because Stan didn’t make it every day for lunch, the three of us usually came up with some ideas on how to spend some of our free time, such as seeing a movie or playing a round of pool in the student center. We’d always invite Phil but ask if he was okay with the time. Without a doubt Phil usually quipped that the three of us were leading this party and that he only needed to know the time to show up and he’d be there. Eventually Phil came to call us the Triumvirate, which he later expanded to include eight. Namedropping an ancient Roman political alliance was nothing outrageous for who we dubbed “Professor Phil” – if someone could major in General Studies or Useless Trivia then Phil would probably go on and earn a master’s degree.
Another one of his eccentricities was his fondness for wearing hiking boots, appropriately enough since a couple times a month he was living out his weekends in a tent at the nearby state park. I never knew what sparked his interest in this lifestyle but he would usually sneak away from campus on Friday afternoons and not return to Bowman Hall until late Saturday or even early Sunday morning. He claimed the outdoor air invigorated him and that the tranquil atmosphere allowed him the silence he needed to catch up on his class work. None of that ever convinced the rest of us to venture out with him, although, like Stan, he did try to talk us into it. Because we didn’t go with him, lunch on Monday usually featured an anecdote or two about seeing signs of an alligator or discovering some tasty wild flower or fungus. Have no fear, mind you – they were safe to eat. At least according to Phil’s field guide.
The rustic restaurant that he made for himself out in the wild was always happily exchanged for the campus cafeteria. While many students liked to make fun of the food or mock the general blasé of the buffet, Phil had a certain fondness for the food and championed the people who put it together behind the scenes. I can still vividly hear Phil responding when one of the Octumvirate thought out loud about going back and getting a second chicken patty sandwich: “You paid for that sandwich, get back up there and get that sandwich!” Phil followed suit by grabbing a second helping of vegetables, be it carrots, broccoli, maybe mashed potatoes, or even some of that stewed tomato concoction that scared off everyone else. That guy loved him some vegetables.
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Mushroom Boy
(Crow, Heavy Vegetable)
Heavy Vegetable
From the album Frisbie
1995
People locked me in here
'bout a couple years ago.
With a handful of seeds
for the garden I grow
The sun shines on the window
in the basement at the house
They think that they locked me
in here, but it's more like I locked
them out.
It's not so bad.
It's not such a drag.
