An announcement, dear friend
You are about to receive on Paulie Zizzo,
Getting shocked, and the transmission of noise....
I think every job or profession has identified a moment labeled as the "worst-case scenario," something someone once dreamt up that would indicate major deficiencies or spell utter disaster for the people involved, but because the situation was so random, unbelievable, and totally out of the ordinary that the need for preventive training was just as ridiculous as the conceived event. Surely the combined knowledge, skills, and abilities of the staff would preclude the need for even worrying about such an affair. Even if those things failed, wouldn't common sense and competence reign?
In short, no – never assume anything.
It happened on a Saturday. I was at home listening to the radio station, half pretending to be critiquing how things sounded, and half pretending to be working on class assignments.
Every week I tried to go through the traffic log and put in one “random” weekly test of the Emergency Alert System (EAS). While there was one test marked ahead of time, it wasn’t unusual for me to call up the station out of the blue (or purple) and ask whoever was there to perform a test just to see how prepared they were. I enjoyed these spur-of-the-moment calls though I’m sure the staff found it somewhat annoying (see Nervous children making millions: you owe it all to them). When I distributed the logs earlier in this week I had set aside one weekly test on Saturday morning because I felt that the weekend people hadn’t had enough exposure to the EAS. I probably also scheduled it during Paulie’s shift just to see how well he would get through such a test. While I knew he would make an attempt – one or two people in the past had known blown it off, much to their mistake - I wasn’t sure if he would be confident in his execution.
However when Saturday rolled around I had forgotten my plan. Then the phone rang. I left the bedroom/office and went into the other room to talk with someone – family? Friends? Who knows. I returned a few minutes later and picked up where I left off. Then the phone rang again.
It was Dina, the station pariah-in-training: “Did you just hear that?” she snapped. No, I answered, I was in the other room. “Well, you’ve got to say something to Paulie.” Why, I asked. “Because,” Dina sputtered, “he just blew through the EAS test.”
Hesitantly I asked what Paulie did. I wasn’t at all ready for the answer.
“He mouthed the tones!”
“What?”
“He mouthed the t--”
“Whadya mean, ‘He mouthed the tones?’”
“He mouthed the tones, Marty!”
Yes, the one thing that I never would have dreamed anybody would have thought to do did in fact happen. Paulie, unable to pull off a successful EAS test, muddled his way through by making the test sound effects with his mouth. As I tried to imagine how this must have sounded, I cringed again – there were no tones to an EAS test, just electronic pulses and signals.
Ah, perfect – Paulie had mouthed the old EBS tones (see Electronic Behavior Control System). For sure, the FCC would love us now. Plus this didn’t bode well for me and my ability to train the staff.
Hanging up on Dina, I called Paulie and casually asked, “So, Paulie....what’s happening?”
Paulie rambled through a story about getting confused and making the decision to come up with something to satisfy the requirement as shown in the traffic log when he couldn’t think of anything to do. With a heavy sigh, I explained that I would have rather he called someone and ask for assistance than do what he did. The FCC probably wouldn’t be too keen on such things, and what listening audience was enjoying this week’s edition of “Nuggets’ Sounds of the Sixties” (see Cause it's home, the only life I've ever known) probably didn’t appreciate the unprofessionalism. Neither did I for that matter.
How does one’s mind come up with the idea of doing this? Why would someone get notion that it would be okay to do this? Who would want to imitate a noise live on the radio? Didn’t he pay attention during training? Couldn’t he find the manual? Didn’t he know his noises would call unwanted attention? Man, I wished I had the tape deck going on this one.
I added to this my complaint file – the facts that I had gathered and requested the faculty advisor look at – about Paulie that had come from both students and listeners. However the faculty advisor came back with a response that blew me away, one almost as bad as Paulie mouthing the tones: “But he plays such good music.”
That floored me. Yes, the boy shouldn't be on the air 6 to 8 hours straight and his performance has been critiqued by everyone in the county and now he’s broken FCC regulations by making noises with his mouth to emulate an EAS test but, darn it, that is sure some good music he's playing.
All in all, it was the first of many things there that made me want to tell these people to “SHUT UP!”
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Shut Up
(Here Are the Facts You Requested)
Here Are the Facts You Requested
From the album Shocks and Struts
1998
Shut up you got such a mad mouth
Shut up what you got inside
wake up walk it to the shower
your warm soapy water don't lie
take me to the farm. take me now
what do you need beyond this vibration?
I got three you can have em for free
all that yin yang sittin in your shelf
wanna taste wealth try pawnin off yourself
take me to the farm. take take me to the pawnshop
take me to the farm. take take me to the pawnshop
take me to the pawnshop
take me to the pawnshop, pawnshop allright
forget what you got in mind
nobody hears what you yell inside
a dollar and a dime just ain't gonna buy
anything but a sigh and just a taste of love
such a taste of love
such a taste of love
such a taste of love
take me to the farm. take it sell this guy my ganga hangin in the pawnshop
take me to the farm. take it sell this guy my ganga hangin in the pawnshop
take me to the farm. take it sell this guy my ganga standin in the pornshop
take me to the farm. take it take me to the pawnshop buy myself some ganga
what's the matter can't find your manual
you own the map but you left it at home
pickup a phone, but you ain't got a phonebook
and you cry like a weasel though you taste like an eagle - no!
benefit for pawnshops such a taste of love y'all
better git your porkchop gonna harvest ganga
benefit for pawnshops sick myself a bag full
when I buy some ganga then I take it to the pawnshop
