We got one-way tickets on a one-way track

Country music was never my thing. I went to college knowing a little bit about modern rock and next to nothing about country music, though I knew some of what I had heard sounded like twangy pop-rock with more hootin' and hollerin' added into the mix. I later did an internship at one of those fly-by-night country stations that tended to pop up like disease during the 1990s and got to hear more than I wanted. To be fair, not all of it is bad – 5% of it serves a musical purpose; the other 95% is not.

Flashback to college: the primary competition of my undergraduate radio station was a country station and therefore a format we didn't play. I've noted there was an always an interest to experiment on college-run stations but seeing how country stations had over saturated the airwaves, both university-owned stations I worked at saw little reason to compete and made a point of programming something different. Really out there. Like funk music. More on that later.

Whilst an undergrad, my first (and best) roommate found my choice of major interesting and said he might listen in the morning when he went to the gym to workout. His attitude promptly changed when he found out the campus station did not play country music. I pointed out – foolishly – that if he wanted that sort of thing to listen somewhere else. This, then, was my first bit of radio promotions and ended with an undesired response. His thing was country music and when he left for the weekends to travel an hour to his hometown, I eyed his CD collection on the shelf. Here were names and notes and songs and songwriters that I had vaguely heard of either in the newspaper, on CMT or TNN, or those times I found my roommate listening to that "other" station.

One of the names was Kathy Mattea, who I really didn't think fit into that other 95%, as I really came to liking the song, Nobody's Gonna Rain on Our Parade, partly for the sing-song chorus and partly from seeing repeat showing of the video – where, sort of like that Coolio video (see Slide, slide slippity slide, I do what I do just to survive), people are packed like sardines into small places (this time, I think, it was a steamer trunk).

This song, and a few others, made me aware of country music circa 1995 but it didn't pull me to convert me to a fan of the format.

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Nobody's Gonna Rain on Our Parade
(Brad Parker/Will Rambeaux)
Kathy Mattea
From the album Walking Away A Winner
1993

Well there's a blue moon hangin' in a small town sky
Nobody's listenin' to the band tonight
Nobody feels like dancin' in this sad cafe
Oh, but you and me baby we got somethin' to live for
One more step and we'll be out that door
I don't know where we're goin' but we're already on our way
The train is leavin' and it won't come back
We got one-way tickets on a one-way track
Nobody's gonna get their hands on the plans we made
And nobody's gonna rain on our parade
Well there's a red light blinking on an empty street
Church bells ringing in the dog day heat
The more we try to change things, the more they stay the same
But there ain't no tellin' just what we'll find
Out past the city limit sign
There's a voice out there and I heard it callin' our name
The train is leavin' and it won't come back
We got one-way tickets on a one-way track
Nobody's gonna get their hands on the plans we made
And nobody's gonna rain on our parade
Well there ain't nobody
Don't need nobody
Couldn't be nobody
Don't see nobody
Nobody's gonna rain on our parade
The train is leavin' and it won't come back
We got one-way tickets on a one-way track
Nobody's gonna get their hands on the plans we made
And nobody's gonna rain on our parade
The train is leavin' and it won't come back
One-way ticket on a one-way track...
Nobody's gonna rain on our parade...

Loveless dying, for a chance just to touch a hand

During those long summers away from college, the sounds of a college radio station, and in the midst of some silly summer job, I would pretend to catch up to the latest in popular music trends and listened to a contemporary hit station. CHR was still somewhat rock-orientated and the stations would feature a few of the "popular" songs we played during the 3-6pm daypart of my undergraduate radio station, mixed alongside other popular songs that we would never play – mainly what might be considered dance tracks.

I never understood why it was called "dance" music, partly because I never went to a club to see the people sway, churn, grind, and bellow on a dance floor all while a laser show whizzed overhead. That wasn't me. Therefore, up-tempo "dance" music never really appealed to me either. I'm sure I'll get chided for it but every track melted into another, with ridiculous pulsating beats that sent the meek and stupid into convulsions, and featuring some woman singing the easily-identifiable chorus while some guy popped in once or twice during the five-minute track to half-mumble, half-ass-rap some silly lyrics.

One of these dance tracks – that coincidently could be described by my above description – always bothered me because I could never fathom what was being said: Culture Beat's Mr. Vain. To me this was an unnecessary song, coupled with my confusion as to who Mr. Rader was. Who was he and why should we say what he wants is wrong and then call him insane? I actually knew a Mr. James Rader. Yeah, he was a little off his rocker and made some flippant decisions and might be (in the loosest sense of the word) insane – but I doubt this has anything to do with anything. Back then, and even to this day, I can't get his image out my mind when I hear this song.

As for Culture Beat, I don't know much about their insanity either. They are originally from Germany, which is news to me. Evidentially Mr. Vain was the biggest selling single across Europe in 1993, before it trickled across the ocean, crashed into the American subconscious, and then burned out of existence. Surprisingly, Culture Beat is still going strong in Europe, continuing to release music well into 2003; not surprisingly is that the people associated with the song (vocalist Tania Evans, rapper Jay Supreme, Torsten Fenslau and Peter Zweler) have moved on while other musicians have kept the Culture Beat name going strong.

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Mr. Vain
(Juergen "Nosie" Katzmann/Steven Levis/Jay Supreme)
Culture Beat
From the album Serenity
1994

Call him Mr Raider call him Mr Wrong
Call him Mr Vain
Call him Mr Raider call him Mr wrong
Call him insane
He'd say, I know what I want
And I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
I know what I want and I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain

Call me Raider call me Wrong
Call me insane call me Mr Vain
Call me what ya like
As long as you call me time and again
Feel the presence of the aura of the man
None to compare
Loveless dying
For a chance just to touch a hand
Or a moment to share
Can't deny the urge that makes them
Want to lose themselves to the debonair one
Hold me back the simple fact is
That I'm all that and I'm always near
One sexy can't perplex me now
You know who'raw
As if you didn't know before
I know what I want and I want it now
I want you then I want a little more

Call him Mr Raider call him Mr Wrong
Call him Mr Vain
Call him Mr Raider call him Mr wrong
Call him insane
He'd say, I know what I want
And I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
I know what I want and I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
Mr Wrong, Mr Wrong, Mr Raider, Wrong

Girls are all over the world
They hope and pray and die for men
Like me cause I'm the one
Begotten son that breaks the mould
Get a look at male epitome
Style has never seen
That makes you want to grab and hold
And squeeze real tight
Whose gonna be the one to save
You from yourself
When you wanna take a bite
Please oh baby please
You beg you want you say
You got to get some caught
Up in the charm that I laid on thick
And now there's nowhere
To run on the hook of my line
Yeah I keep many females
Longing for a chance to win my heart
Whit s.e.x and plenty

Call him Mr Raider call him Mr Wrong
Call him Mr Vain
Call him Mr Raider call him Mr wrong
Call him insane
He'd say, I know what I want
And I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
I know what I want and I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
Call him Mr Raider call him Mr Wrong
Call him Mr Vain
Call him Mr Raider call him Mr wrong
Call him insane
He'd say, I know what I want
And I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
I know what I want and I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
Call him Mr Raider call him Mr Wrong
Call him Mr Vain
Call him Mr Raider call him Mr wrong
Call him insane
He'd say, I know what I want
And I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
I know what I want and I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
I know what I want and I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain
I know what I want and I want it now
I want you 'cause I'm Mr Vain

For We Both Know I'm Not What You Need

Where were you when Whitney Houston first sang the "I" part in the title of her song, I Will Always Love You? Where you still in that identical position when she got to the "you" part of the title? Point is, I remember this being one of the many jokes about this song, Houston's soaring interpretation of the chorus and the song's longevity.

At the time, I had no idea it was originally a Dolly Parton song. I suppose that tells you everything you need to about my classic country background. But knowing that really didn't help you out: Parton's version is more twangy and relaxed in a country-format way, while Houston really makes it her own soulful ballad.

However I think it's own popularity prompted many of the jokes I heard. During the 1992 holiday season you couldn't escape it – popular radio played the song, you heard it during commercials for The Bodyguard, and based its charting success you knew you'd hear it once or twice at an award show. This massive overplay – and the aforementioned jab at how drawn out the chorus is sung – made for a bit of humor from some people I knew. Most of the jests came in the form of someone singing a variant of, "This Song Will Always Go On," or asking, "Does she ever shut up?" Of course, these so-called jokes always came from people who weren't in the Whitney fan camp and were almost always enjoyed by similar people.

Me? By this time, I wasn't in the Whitney fan camp, having quickly escaped after I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me), which brings up a more distressing question: why that song?

At any rate, 1992 became a big year for Houston: besides this hit single, she married Bobby Brown. A few more hit singles appeared in the decade – some from more soundtracks – with her most recent album appearing ten years after her marriage. Which, at this writing, is supposedly nearing an end.

So much for always?

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I Will Always Love You
(Dolly Parton)
Whitney Houston
From the album The Bodyguard Original Soundtrack
1992

If Should Stay
I Would Only Get In Your Way
So I'll Go
But I Know
I'll Think Of You Every Step Of The Way

And I Will Always Love You
I Will Always Love You
My Darling Mmmmmmm
Bittersweet Memories
That Is All I'm Taking With Me
So Goodbye
Please Don't Cry
For We Both Know
I'm Not What You Need
An I Will Always Love You
I Will Always Love You

I Hope Life Treats You Kind
And I Hope You Have All You Dreamed Of
And I Wish You Joy And Happiness
But Above All This I Wish You Love

And I Will Always Love You
I Will Always Love You
I Will Always Love You
I Will Always Love You
I Will Always Love You
I Will Always Love You

I realize that there's just no getting over you

Now is a good as time as any to admit to having listened to adult contemporary in the early 1990s. Why? Perhaps I was afraid of the new, alternative music – unsure what it was and how to enjoy it. Perhaps it sounded mildly familiar to the popular music I remembered from the late 1980s? I'd say both – combined with the fact that I don't recall being too adventurous with the radio. Perhaps an arrogant mistake on my part?

I later discovered that some of what I heard was not so much AC, but artists who were labeled CCM - Contemporary Christian Music, a sort of blend of soft pop-rock sounds with gospel/inspirational overtones. Perhaps I was too gruff to catch on but I never made the connection or considered it particularly stirring. For example, one such track that garnered airtime was the double-bubbly track, Baby Baby, by CCM mainstay Amy Grant. Her album, Heart in Motion, hit the pop charts and was wildly successful during this time period, but it was hardly a song that I think most youth of that day and age included in their playlists. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it wasn't geared more for "adults" – but I still remember it more from doctor visits and being in other people's CD collection.

Usually older people - like teachers at the high school, who listened to music during class. The high school chemistry teacher – who went my the rather generic name of Ms. Jones – was prime example, as I remember on more than one occasion spending the first ten minutes of class being lectured in preparation for a class lab session. Once that was over and we had to move from lab station to lab station, we would pass by her office in our search for chemical purities, and see that she had retreated from the students to sit and eat and listen to music. And there was Baby Baby, blaring in all its glory.

As for Grant, she's stayed the course and has been making music since, maybe not as popular and as well known as her 1991 album, but I don't think that's stopped her. As for CCM, I would come in contact with it again during my tenure with my graduate school-era radio station.

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Baby Baby
(Amy Grant/Keith Thomas)
Amy Grant
From the album Heart in Motion
1991

Baby, baby
I'm taken with the notion
To love you with the sweetest of devotion

Baby, baby
My tender love will flow from
The bluest sky to the deepest ocean

Stop for a minute
Baby, I'm so glad you're mine...yeah
You're mine

Baby, baby
The stars are shining for you
And, just like me, I'm sure that they adore you

Baby, baby
Go walkin' through the forest
The birds above a-singin' you a chorus

Stop for a minute
Baby, they're so glad you're mine...oh, yeah
And, ever since the day
You put my heart in motion
Baby, I realize
That there's just no getting over you

Baby, baby
In any kind of weather
I'm here for you always and forever

Baby, baby
No muscle man could sever
My love for you is true, and it will never

Stop for a minute
Baby, I'm so glad you're mine...oh, yeah
And, ever since the day
You put my heart in motion
Baby, I realize
There's no getting over you

And, ever since the day
You put my heart in motion
Baby, I realize
That there's just no getting over you
Over you

Baby, baby
Always and forever
Baby, I'm so glad
Here for you, baby
I'm so glad you're mine
Baby, I'm so glad

When I think about you, it makes me smile
Baby, baby, be mine
Baby, I'm so glad
Don't stop giving love
Don't stop, no
Baby, I'm so glad that you're mine
Baby, I'm so glad
Baby, I'm so glad

This is a hell of a concept: we make it hype and you want to step with this

Before I worked in radio, I listened to the radio. And I look back with buzzing ears at some of what I heard. For instance, there was once an entity known as "Vanilla Ice" that performed cute, rhythmic "hip-pop" tunes about throwin' down nines, rollin' eight ball and the cuisine of the street that he was brought up in. What does this mean? Ask Robert Van Winkle, who ran around town, upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.

While I was one of those people in the early 1990s that jumped on the bandwagon and will freely admit to listening to this, attempting to dissect just what he was saying and how to translate into something I understood (which didn't work), it was a bit after the "Ice" trend had melted. I seem to be fairly good at the sort of thing, getting in on something after its popularity has faded and therefore my copy of a copy of a copy of audiocassette was still getting unjust attention long after everyone else gve their copy away.

Ice pretty much became the proverbial punch line at this point, focusing on movies (Cool as Ice and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) and the occasional album that would never seem to top his debut sales. I had all but forgotten him by the time I hit the radio station and his name seldom came up, though I wished we had a copy just to use as an intermittent gag. At one point we had a series of liners that announced "thirty minutes of today's music" that segued into about fifteen seconds of a song that was popular for all the wrong reasons and Vanilla's foray into the mainstream would have been more than a worthy candidate.

Actually there was one instance of Ice, Ice Baby that I do recall from my college days that was a bit disturbing. One of the last broadcasting classes seniors took was a pseudo-graduate level-like seminar where we discussed broadcasting topics of the day (like the forthcoming HDTV revolution) and into this one spring day I walked to hear a rather faithful acapella version of Ice, Ice Baby. Class had not yet started and two or three people were providing the Queen-esqe rhythm line, while others were trying in vain to sing along – wanting to sing but not wanting to prove the lyrics were on the tip of their tongues. I look back at this and laugh, having been a freshman and watching Coolio videos (see Slide, slide slippity slide, I do what I do just to survive) and being witness to an impromptu Vanilla Ice sing-a-long as a senior. I guess the rest of the classes in between weren't that exciting.

By the time I got to graduate school Vanilla Ice had made the bold move into some sort of rock/rap fusion thing with a wannabe thrash attitude and should-be trashed album called Hard to Swallow. I don't know what the kids at this other radio station were into, but I distinctly remember a number of people saying it "wasn't bad," and the album being in the control room. Nothing about the album stands out today, except I know I held it at least once, if only for the satisfaction of being able to say, 'I touched a Vanilla Ice album." Really now, who all can honestly say this? Also, I believe it was at some point at this time in his storied career that Vanilla began performing Ice, Ice Baby as this up-temp rock number, perhaps known as fans as the "hard" version. Maybe it was popular before this time – I don't know, I wasn't up on such things then, much less now – but it was hard to swallow for me. Does that make me an Ice purist?

My final comment about Vanilla occurred a year after I left graduate school and my role as station manager: he was in town for a concert. It must have been a sight to see: small backwoods town enthralled by big-name entertainer vs. surprised superstar depressed at the thought of how this gig is going to go over. From what little I read of the event, nobody in attendance gave him much chance with "new" material. What do you expect when you perform to college kids in a redneck bar? Drunken chants of "Ice, Ice, Baby, too cold, too cold" and people storming the stage – which must of ticked off ol' Rob.

So what have we learned in the fifteen-plus years since we went To the Extreme? Let me know.

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Ice Ice Baby
( Earthquake/Smooth, M./Vanilla Ice)
Vanilla Ice
From the album To the Extreme
1990

Yo, VIP, Let's kick it!

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

Dance, Bum rush the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly, when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it, You better gain way
You better hit bull's eye, The kid don't play
If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, the Vegas are pumpin'
Quick to the point, to the point no faking
I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon
Burning them if they're not quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi hat with a souped up tempo
I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo
Rollin' in my 5.0
With my ragtop down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby, Waving just to say Hi
Did you stop? No -- I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
That block was dead

Yo -- so I continued to A1A Beachfront Ave.
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous 'cause I'm out geting mine
Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they're so full of "Eight Ball"
Gunshots ranged out like a bell
I grabbed my nine -- All I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed
I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene, You know what I mean
They passed me up, confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem, You, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it
My town, that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
'Cause my style's like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed, This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade, slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast, Other DJs say, "damn"
If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it's time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem, Yo -- I'll solve it!
Check out the hook while Deshay revolves it.

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla

Yo man -- Let's get out of here! Word to your mother!

Ice Ice Baby Too cold, Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold
Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold, Ice Ice Baby Too cold Too cold